shenwenjun:

still don’t actually have a scanner and it’s just some shitty doodles so it’s crappy photo time.

thanks to convos with karleen i’d like to think kaworu would like “classic” inspired fashions, like classic lolita (though i wanna also draw him in a nice kimono sometime).

but i also like to draw him in 80s inspired fashion.

i’m sorry.

thanks, shinji (or, in which i mistake sloppiness for style)

so i finished that piece i was working on wow!!!!

i’m posting this shitty photo because 1) i won’t be able to scan it til monday and 2) i’d to write some stuff about this picture i don’t know if i want on the actual ~~~finished product~~~ post.

if you look at the dates on this blog it’s been a long, long time since i’ve done any meaningful art. by that art that weren’t half-finished ideas or doodles. not even sketches were in my reach. in fact it’s been a long, long time since i’ve done self-motivated art (not for school or work). like i have some good sketches that i put real work into that i haven’t posted here because of a lack of scanner but those are far and few in between.

a lot of this was because of a lack of motivation stemming of hyper self-awareness/criticism of my flaws in drawing. my lack of abilities and skills in communicating the ideas i wanted. if they weren’t going to be my exact vision then what was the point.

i’ve been struggling a lot with self-esteem and self-hate issues for a while and trying to reconcile what i know intellectually/objectively about myself (other people care about me and find value in me; i’m doing okay; i’m a good human being; my life is worth living; i don’t have to be perfect at everything) and what my brain problems tell me, have always told me (you’re worthless; you should die; you should be in as much pain as possible; your existence is a burden; you’re disgusting; your accomplishments are nothing compared to your failures) it’s hard. it affected my art output and motivation the worst. i stopped drawing for myself because of school and my fear of inadequacy. which was a damning cycle which i know would lead to lose something i’ve loved for all of my life. sometimes i would be motivated but it would never last and i never did anything worthwhile in my eyes.

recently i watched neon genesis evangelion (if you couldn’t tell by the piece in the photo). it resonated hard with me, especially the ending. it’s about self-reflection, self-worth, self-reliance, and self-motivation. your life is yours and no one else’s. you need other people and things but you cannot base your life around them. life is cruel and difficult and unfair but inherently worth living in itself. it is what it is and it’s your choice at the end of the day what to do with it.

that ending really awoke something in me though. i related to shinji and his struggles. and while there’s no way for me to have a mental journey in which i overcome my problems in the span of two 30 minutes episodes, i can relate to his journey and remember his words.

it’s very down to earth and optimistic and without being condescending. and i did this piece to honor shinji i guess and express how much this series really affected me. though my view on myself and what to do has not drastically shifted in some ways—as knowing a message is easier than internalizing it—i can keep it close to my heart as a reminder.

maybe i won’t work on art at such a breakneck speed but i believe in myself to do art for me. to do what i enjoy and make mistakes. i made a lot of mistakes in this piece and one day i want to redo it but right now i’m proud. i’m proud for doing what i love even when my mind would rather give up and pretend i just can’t.

sorry for posting the same wip twice in one day but i like this and holy hell how am i going so fast ??????

christ it has been a really fucking long time since i’ve attempted to draw anything i can consider real art

thnx shinji

homestuck upd8 fanart under the cut

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hmmmmmmm it’s been a while since I’ve updated this blog, and I’ve had more time to draw since it’s Spring Break, so here’s a humanized EVE sketch because I watched WALL-E yesterday (WHAT A GOOD MOVIE!!!).

[Image description: Homestuck fanart of Jane with her disguise on, twirling her mustache with a sneaky (or seductive??) look in her eyes.]

I’m not actually going to submit, I KNOW it’s not gonna win

but I still love Jane so much so I’m uploading it.

[Image description: Homestuck fanart of Roxy sleeping in her bed, holding Complacency of the Learned as if she feel asleep while reading it.]

HEY it really doesn’t work in my favor when 1) I’m really slow at making serious art (by that I mean art I’m actually putting effort into) and 2) I don’t have any digital rt programs whatsoever besides whatever Microsoft gives me. So I end up with a very slow output of not ultra-amazing fanart. So as of now I’m probably gonna only submit one piece to the albumn art contest and I’m 99.99% sure I won’t win.

BUT I’m still pretty proud of this, even if it’s kinda dirty and small. I like it! And I like Roxy and having Feelings about her relationship with alpha!Rose.

[Image description: A Tintin fanart Valentine. Tintin is enveloped by a red-lined heart. He appears flustered and surprised, saying “Great snakes! You’ve stolen my heart, Valentine!”]

This could be better but I’m still a bit busy and tired.

Happy V-Day, everybody! -3-/